Affiliate Finder: September 2013

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20 First Date Questions You Don’t Want to Ask — Ever

Want to make sure your Friday night date is a success? Here are a few first date questions you should avoid asking if you want your crush to ask you out a second — and third — time.
Twenty first date questions you don’t want to ask — ever:
1. How much money do you make?
2. How do I look?
3. Who did you vote for in the last election?
4. How many kids do you want to have?
5. What kind of wedding do you want to have?
6. What went wrong between you and your ex?
7. Have you ever cheated on someone?
8. Have you ever been in love?
9. Where do you see this relationship going?
10. Why are you single?
11. Are you afraid of commitment?
12. What do your parents do?
13. Do you have any STDs?
14. What’s your greatest regret?
15. Do you think your parents will like me?
16. Are you on a diet?
17. Is that tan spray-on?
18. Have you ever had plastic surgery?
19. What’s your five-year plan?
20. Wanna come up for a drink?

What’s the worst question you’ve ever been asked on a first date?

How to Flirt on Twitter

Twitter may not be eHarmony…but what do you do if your crush loves to tweet away? And so do you. Now what?

Here’s how to flirt on Twitter:
1. Choose a cute avatar and write a clever, short bio.

2. Follow people strategically. If you want your crush to follow you on Twitter, you probably shouldn’t be following a slew of scantily clad strangers. Choose interesting people, your favorite celebrities and authors, and career-relevant Twitter accounts to follow.
3. Follow your crush.
4. Tweet. Don’t just retweet things or post photos, tweet funny, interesting (and grammatically non-offensive) sentences.
5. Reply to your crush’s tweets. Retweet their funniest observations. (Don’t retweet everything, however, unless you want to come across as a stalker.) Casually engage him/her in conversation. If he’s tweeting about his quest for the city’s best pancakes, recommend your favorite brunch spot.
6. Important: Think before you tweet. Be especially cautious after a night of drinking. (Drunk-tweeting is the new drunk-dialing. Nothing good ever comes of it.)
7. Flirt with one person at a time. If your crush discovers that he/she is one of many people you direct witty, flirtatious tweets at, your chances of ever developing a relationship with that person are officially over.
8. Take it slow and keep it clean. Don’t sent endless tweets his/her way. Don’t use racy, innuendo-filled language. Twitter is public. If you don’t want your parents or your boss reading your tweets, don’t hit “Tweet.”
9. Move to direct messaging. You can share more personal information (like your phone number) in a more private setting.
10. Related to #9: Call him/her. Take the chatting offline. Talk on the phone — and ask him/her out.
Have you had any luck meeting anyone through Twitter? Please share!

Flirting 201: More than Meets the Eye

A warm smile, lingering eye contact, a touch on the arm – these flirtatious behaviors (also known as courtship behaviors) go far in letting someone know that you are attracted to them. Researchers have spent much time categorizing these numerous behaviors, which include head tossing, eyebrow lifting, lip licking, and back caressing, just to name a few (Moore, 1995). Being the complex creatures we are, however, no one behavior can signal instant attraction.

There are even more complicated patterns of behavior that operate on a subconscious level. For example, if your date crosses his or her leg, do you do the same? The patterns and kinds of movements you engage in with a partner are thought to communicate synchronicity, often implying that both of you are on the same page and on some level understand one another. In fact, studies show that the more you engage in mutual behavior patterns, the more interested you are in that other person (Grammer, Kruck, & Magnusson, 1998).
With courtship behaviors, one school of thought is that more is better, or at least clearer. The idea is that the more flirtatious behaviors you engage in, the more likely the other person is to know that you are interested. It is how you get the attractive stranger across the room to look your way or how you let your new date know that you want something more than just friendship.

As with any form of communication, however, success depends on the person giving the cues as much as it does on the person receiving the cues. How adept is the other person in picking up your signals? A wide breadth of research has been conducted on knowing when someone is trying to get your attention versus when they are just being friendly. While most people make mistakes from time to time, research shows that men are more likely to misinterpret friendliness for sexual intent. There are also several characteristics that make misinterpretation of sexual interest more common. For example, men with tendencies toward violence, hostility, openness to casual sexual encounters, and intoxication are more likely to see friendliness as sexual interest (Jacques-Tiura, et al., 2007).

Further research suggests that it might not just be men who make mistakes about sexual intent. One study found that both men and women who are more casually sexually oriented, were likely to think that others are sexually interested as well (Lenton, et al., 2007). In other words, people have a tendency to see others as they see themselves, and interpretation of sexual cues may have to do with your own sexual interest rather than your gender.

Increased sexual interest might explain why some individuals are more likely to misinterpret friendliness for something more; however, this is not the full picture. Further research has shown that men often make mistakes in the other direction as well, misinterpreting sexual intent for friendliness (Farris, et al., in press). In other words, it’s not that men just see sex because they are more sexually oriented, but rather that their perceptions are overall less accurate compared to women’s. The studies support the body of literature suggesting that women may be somewhat more skilled at reading emotional and nonverbal cues.

So if men are not as good at receiving subtle cues, are women doomed to signaling for themselves? When trying to attract a mate, one suggestion might be to be clearer in your flirtatious signaling. Another suggestion, be patient. Research relating to mating strategies of nonhuman species describes mating rituals with consistent patterns of behavior over a period of time. While the first few attempts might not be received, consistency and persistence go far in communicating your needs, especially with something as complex as attraction.
Flirting can show someone that you are interested in that person; however, it’s certainly not the only reason to flirt. Flirting also occurs when there is no desire for courtship or mating. To explain these behaviors, it may be valuable to introduce a second school of thought, that flirting can be used as a means to gain advantage. Whether used knowingly or not, flirting can create a self-esteem boost, make others feel good about you, or even get someone to do something for you. In other words, flirting behaviors may be effective in that they induce positive feelings in another person.

Take for example the courtship behavior of laughter. Like flirting, laughter is often thought to be an indicator of one’s internal state. If I laugh at something, it must mean that I think it’s funny; however, laughter can also indicate politeness, nervousness, or even ingratiation. Instead of communicating your internal state, laughter may be used to increase positive affect in the other person (Owren & Bachorowski, 2003). “The more you laugh at someone, the more likely the person is to like you. The same might be said for other flirting behaviors in general. It is a subtle (or sometimes unsubtle) strategy to influence the other person to make him or her feel good, to get the person to like you, or perhaps to get the other person to ask you out.
Flirting is a complex communication strategy involving more than meets the eye. With multiple meanings and ways to flirt, it is no wonder that flirting can be both a skill and an art.
Further reading:

Farris, C., Treat, T. A., Viken, R. J., & McFall, R. M. (in press). Perceptual mechanisms that characterize gender differences in decoding women’s sexual intent. Psychological Science.

Grammer, K., Kruck, K. B., & Magnusson, M. S. (1998). The courtship dance: Patterns of nonverbal synchronization in opposite-sex encounters. Journal of Nonverbal Behavior, 22, 3-29.

Jacques-Tiura, A., Abbey, A., Parkhill, M., & Zawacki, T. (2007). Why do some men misperceive women’s sexual intentions more frequently than others do? An application of the confluence model. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 33, 1467-1480. Lee, E. (July 27, 2007). Breaking the Sexual Stereotype. eHarmony Labs Hot Science Blog.

Lenton, A. P., Bryan, A., Hastie, R., & Fischer, O. (2007). We want the same thing: Projection in judgments of sexual intent. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 33, 975-988.
Moore, M. M. (1995). Courtship signaling and adolescents: “Girls just wanna have fun”? The Journal of Sex Research, 32, 319-328.

Owren, M. J., & Bachorowski, J. A. (2003). Reconsidering the evolution of nonlinguistic communication: The case of laughter. Journal of Nonverbal Behavior, 27, 183-200.

Setrakian, H. (November 13, 2007). Why Do Some Men Misunderstand Friendliness for Sexual Intent? eHarmony Labs Hot Science Blog.

5 Dating Rules you Should Never Break

When it comes to your love life, do you wish there was a rule book? While The Rules are so last century, a new dating handbook has yet to be created in the new millennium.
So how do you know the dos and don’ts of dating? The truth is there are no hard and fast rules, but the following guidelines should help you navigate the tricky terrain known as your dating life.

Rule #1: Listen to Your Gut
Whether you’re on a date, communicating with someone you meet online, or flirting with a cutie you meet in the flesh, it’s important to pay attention and listen to your gut. If a potential date’s actions or words set off an internal alarm system, you owe it to yourself to pay attention and act accordingly. These alarms can be both good and bad. For example, if you’ve met someone online and they seem interesting, then you talk to them on the phone and they sound completely different (in a negative way), you may decide not to meet them in person. A positive example would be if you were on a date with someone and they seemed nervous but well intentioned, your gut might tell you to give them a second chance. By going on a second date, you’ll gain a better understanding of who they really are and if you’d like to see them again.

Rule #2: Pay Attention to Red Flags
Like those internal alarms that alert you to your gut feelings, you also have an alarm system to alert you to red flags. Oftentimes this alarm system is turned way down. As a result, we often ignore red flags and find ourselves getting involved with inappropriate partners because we’re not paying attention. To become a truly successful single in the new millennium, you owe it to yourself to become a red flag specialist. That means paying attention to red flags as they are presented to you on dates. An example of a red flag would be if you found yourself on a date with someone who could not stop talking about their ex. They may be a fantastic person, and eventually make a great partner, but right now they’re not ready. Your job is to pay attention to that red flag and not pursue them.

Rule #3: Actions Speak Louder Than Words
During the course of your dating life you will most likely find yourself on a date with someone whose actions speak much louder than their words. Maybe they’re attentive and chivalrous to you, but treat the waiter, bartender, and/or valet poorly. Or maybe they claim they’re ready for a long-term relationship, but their wandering eye tells you otherwise. To get the most out of your dating life, it’s important to understand that actions speak louder than words. When someone’s actions are contrary to their words, this is not only a red flag, it’s gut-check time. By paying attention and screening out potential partners whose actions don’t match their words, you cut down on wasted dating time and make it that much easier to attract potential partners worth your time and energy.

Rule #4: Don’t Play Games
Successful singles know what goes around comes around. They also know the importance of being honest and well-intentioned with the people they date. As a successful single, you owe it to yourself and the individuals you date not to play games. Call when you say you’re going to call. Do what you say you’re going to do, and be honest when the other person asks if you’d like to go out again. If you don’t want to see them again, say so in a kind and considerate way. By being honest and letting them down easy, you avoid playing games. Expect the same in return. If you don’t get it, don’t play games by taking that out on the next person you date.

Rule #5: Know When to Say “Game Over”
Just as you should not play dating games, you will want to avoid getting played. Like it or not, there are plenty of players on the dating scene. It’s up to you to know the signs of the player, know their game, and be confident enough to say “game over.” Here’s how to spot a player: When they approach, they’ll take you off guard with a backhanded compliment/insult along the lines of “you’re too cute to be wearing that” or “I’d buy you a drink, but you probably wouldn’t talk to me.” These tactics are known as The Game. The player’s motive is to take you off guard so that you’re on the defensive and try to make up for it by engaging in their game. The problem is, these players aren’t genuine. Instead of falling for their tactics, simply smile, say “game over,” and walk (better yet, run!) away.

While there are no hard and fast dating rules, there are definitely guidelines to follow to make your dating life more enjoyable. By listening to your gut, paying attention to red flags, and understanding that actions speak louder than words, you cut down on wasted dating time. In doing so, you not only avoid getting played, but you also greatly increase your chances of relationship success.

The Difference Between Dating Men and Boys

If you are a single woman over 40, I have a question for you: When you look at yourself today, are you the same person you were in your 20s or 30s? Have many of your priorities changed? Has experience taught you new life skills and shifted your perspective on things you previously held as absolute truths?
And what about when it comes to dating and relationships? Have you updated your “checklist” for the 55-year-old men you are dating; choosing not to judge them like you did 35 year olds? Have you learned that your worth is far more than whether a man wants you, and that you are okay with yourself; whether or not you have a partner?

If you’re like me, the answer is probably a resounding “yes” to these questions. You’ve probably opened your mind to new ideas, and perhaps closed your mind to others. You’ve learned life skills that have brought you success, both at work and at home.
In fact, you’re probably feeling damn smart at this point in your life. And you should! You have achieved a lot, and gained a ton of knowledge and skills over the years. Together, this has rendered you one wise woman.

Well, like us, men change and evolve. I can hear you shout, “I know that!” (I’m even tempted to throw a “duh” in here.) But in my work as a Dating and Relationship Coach for Women over 40, I often help women who say they know this, yet still tend to make assumptions about men based on stereotypes and expectations that originated in their teenage years and lingered.

Like you, men in midlife and beyond have experienced, matured and created good lives for themselves and these men can make fantastic partners. Yes, there are some outliers, just like there are women dating like they are still in their 20s. But if you make the mistake of assuming all men are childish, it’s likely the grown-up good guys are going to pass you by.
Here are three common misconceptions about men that are based on when we were dating boys:

1. Grown-up men do not chase. Even if they once were, they no longer see the value and have dumped it as a hobby. Why? First, the woman-to-man ratio is now in their favor and they don’t have to compete like they did in their 20s. Also, their hormones have mellowed and they have broadened their vision of themselves; reducing the need (and sometimes ability) to rack up sexual conquests.
Finally, the grown-up men who have achieved success in life know how to how to get what they want. If they think you are unattainable, uninterested or you don’t have space for them in your life they will move on. They won’t waste their time on something (or someone) they can’t win.
What does this mean for you, the single woman in her 40s, 50s or beyond trying to connect with a good man? It means when you meet someone you are interested in, you need to let him know! It’s not about being aggressive – like asking him out or jumping into bed with him. It’s simply about giving him a clear signal that, if he asks, you will say yes. Tell him you very much look forward to talking with him again sometime. Tell him that you had a great time and would like to do it again. Compliment him. Receive graciously. These are all ways to show clear interest.
The old idea of “the rules” and making him chase you not only doesn’t fly with grown-up dating, it turns off the smart, commitment-minded men you are probably trying to meet. These men are not into playing games or climbing your wall of “I dare you.” They just want to meet a nice woman, have an easy time getting to know her and hopefully meet a wonderful partner to share the rest of a great life.

2. Grown-up men are willing to communicate. Like you, they have many years of professional and personal circumstances that required them to develop effective communication skills. You can talk to men and they will talk back; and even listen! This is good news. You can be open, honest and direct without playing games. Tell him what you want, what you don’t want (in a kind way) and your true feelings. There is still the question of timing, and effective communication with the opposite sex requires a special language. (That is a whole other story for another time.) But chances are that he won’t run away like the mute scaredy cats you dated twenty years ago.
Grown-up men want to know they can make you happy. If you don’t make them guess how, and are willing to cut out the drama of unjustified disappointment…you will likely find your life changing with all the men around you. So tell them how to make you happy, and if they like you they will do it, get it or create it! And if not, they (or you) will move on. Either way, you win!

3. Grown-up men would rather be alone than with the wrong woman. In our 20s and 30s we are looking for someone with whom we can create our life. Now we are looking for someone to enhance what we already have created. We are looking for a good fit, not potential. Just like you, these guys have figured out that their life is just fine and that being with the wrong person is way worse than being with themselves.
This is why men often seem to have a great time with you, yet you never hear from them again. It just means he liked you, but doesn’t see you fitting into his life. (Men can be smarter about this than us gals. They tend to be better about not trying to fit a round peg in a square hole…so to speak.) So if you don’t hear from him, just know he knew something about himself or his life that meant you weren’t meant for each other.
If finding love with an adult, interesting, committed man is on your dream list, consider opening your mind to see him as such. If being with you doesn’t greatly enhance his life, he’d rather be alone. And I know you would too.

If you like him, show him, and let him know there is room in your life for a man. Lastly, don’t make him guess what you want. Tell him how he can make you happy. The right man will love you for it. And you just might love him back!

5 Friends Every Woman Needs

Whether you look to them for a shoulder to lean on, a partner in crime, a vault to hold your secrets or a pal who allows you to let loose, your friends are allies in a world that can sometimes seem very unkind. They see you through the laughter and the tears, and they are as important to your health and well-being as your family is. Here are five kinds of friends every woman should be grateful to have in her life.

1. Ms. Blunt
So her bedside manner leaves something to be desired, but you can’t beat a friend who will be completely honest with you. You cringe when she tells you that you have a piece of lettuce between your teeth, but you have to appreciate her when you realize she’s the only person in the room who is willing to do so.
Sometimes it’s hard to take her observations (such as That dress is less than flattering), but you have to chuckle at her deadpan sense of humor and black-and-white perception of the world. Ms. Blunt tells you what you should say to the jerk at the office, and she is more than happy to complain to the waiter when you get bad service. You admire her bravery and love her despite her (very) rough edges.

2. The Mother Hen
You seek comfort in the fact that the Mother Hen always knows what to do. She is the friend who hands you tissues after a bad breakup and brings you groceries when you’re laid up with the flu. She’s strong. She’s wise. Her presence is comforting.
Since coddling is her forte, she can come off as meddlesome or, well, too motherly. You know that she knows what’s best for you, even though sometimes you do the opposite. The key to maintaining a healthy relationship with the Mother Hen is not letting her practicality and togetherness interfere with your self-esteem. And make sure you offer to take care of her once in awhile too.

3. Miss Inspiration
This up-lifter does more than offer words of encouragement. As an eternal optimist, she supports your move to Brazil if that is what makes you happy. She reminds you of others’ innate good intentions and always finds a way to make lemonade – making sure to pour you some. Most of us keep positive people around to get through the times of self-doubt, and Miss Inspiration has a knack for raising the half-full glass to you.
The downfall to this happy camper is that every day cannot be sunshine and rainbows. Her buoyant cheerfulness can easily annoy if you are not at the stage to accept a frown turned upside down. You have the ability to inadvertently hurt her with your negativity, so be careful. Go to her when you have already processed any painful parts, are embracing the next phase of acceptance and need a dose of sunshine to help you through.

4. The Boy Friend (not to be confused with The Boyfriend)
Not all of the great friends are women. Safe from romantic advances, a sincere and platonic friendship with a guy can be just as valuable as a relationship with a female counterpart. We all need advice from a male perspective, and he is your source – your window into the male psyche.
Remember, men tend to think very differently than women do. Rather than offer a lengthy, thoughtful analysis as to why your last relationship didn’t work out, Mr. Tell-It-Like-It-Is will tell you without blinking that he thought your last boyfriend was a chump. He’ll tell you to move on, get over it and get out there.

5. The Wild Child
She is your female wingman who is up for anything. She is available for a crazy impromptu weekend in Vegas, a double blind date or a spontaneous joy ride around the city in a Lamborghini. You can tell her about your fantasies of running away from everyday responsibilities to a commune in the Amazon jungle, or about how you secretly substituted your famous Christmas cookies with store-bought dough last year.
This nonconformist will listen and laugh without shock or judgment. She challenges you to abandon your rule-following nature and adopt her liberating and adventurous style, even if it’s just for one night. However, as a natural free spirit, she probably doesn’t have much use for timeliness or responsibility, so leaning on the Wild Child for anything more than a good time may prove futile.

Alec Greven: How to Talk to Girls

Alec Greven and his book How to Talk to Girls have both become a nationwide success – and it all started when he wrote the book for a school project! The teaching staff and school librarian were so impressed with his work that they sold it at their book fair, where it quickly became the top seller. When a local news program covered the fair and Alec, folks took notice and it wasn’t long before he was sitting down to talk about relationships with Ellen DeGeneres and signing his first book deal! He has followed the book up with two more, How to Talk to Moms and How to Talk to Dads.
From how to meet that special someone to what to look for in a girl, here is Alec’s insightful take on relationships:

On how to know if a girl is interested in you:
“This is elementary stuff, but if she smiles at you a lot or if she does more nice things than she usually does – if you start seeing that, you might want to ask her if she likes you. But be very careful because you don’t want to do this if you aren’t sure … only when you are pretty darn sure she likes you!”

How to approach a girl:
“I don’t really believe in those start-up (lines). I think you should just walk up casually and just say hi, like any person would do. If she says hi back then you are off to a good start. Then you can ask her a question or something. If you are shy, try to go for a talkative girl, you don’t have to say much and she will do the rest of the talking!”

How to deal with a breakup:
“I say life is hard, move on. That could seem a little mean, but really you have to get over it and then – why don’t you just try with another girl? Some people are like, ‘I am a horrible failure’ … just move on to the next.”

Important qualities to look for in a partner:
“I think you should look for yourself in her more. I think you look for similar qualities you have and things you have in common. Really, you want a girl that likes the same things you do.”

On pretty girls:
“Some pretty girls – all they care about is how they look and themselves. I think regular girls can be prettier than a pretty girl. Regular girls have other things on their minds.”

How to keep a relationship going strong:
“Keep doing things with her. When you are a kid, take her out to the movies. When you are older, take her to dinner or to a fun place she likes. Talk about things she likes. You can talk about things you like but you kind of want to keep her entertained.”

3 Attitudes that are Irresistible to a Man

Do you know what works and what doesn’t when it comes to making a man feel an intense level of attraction for you?

Think about the last time you dated a great guy who got distant all of a sudden. He stopped calling as often or expressed doubt about whether or not he was “ready” for a relationship.
If you’re like a lot of women who struggle at this point in a relationship and wonder what’s wrong with some men, then you probably tried very hard to convince the man you felt the right connection with that you were a great catch. You might have done things for him. You might have bought him gifts. You might have poured out your heart to him in the hopes that he would let his guard down and confess his true feelings for you, too.
The reality is that while these “strategies” with men are common things lots of women do, rarely do they actually work out. That’s because there’s a secret about men that a lot of women don’t get:
If a man isn’t feeling that gut-level attraction for you, any attempts to convince him to like you and feel things for you will only backfire.

On the other hand, the women who men find irresistible have certain “attitudes” that draw a man’s attention and interest easily with little or no effort. You can think of these “attitudes” as what you are saying to a man without you saying a word. Your internal emotions, your body language, and your tone of voice all communicate your “attitude” at a deep level.
Now, these attitudes can have a man craving as much quality time as he can get with you, to where he feels positively addicted to being with you.

Here are three attitudes that are subtly irresistible to a man:

Irresistible Attitude #1: “I don’t let a man determine what I will have in my love life.”
This kind of woman won’t settle for a man who isn’t giving her what she wants and needs, emotionally. Men respect this at a deep level, and either become engaged and inspired by this to want to be with you…or turn the other way if they really aren’t looking for what you want. It’s a great “qualifier” that also happens to make the right man feel ATTRACTED to you.

Irresistible Attitude #2: “I’d leave a man before I’d let him ruin my life.”
This woman won’t stay in a relationship that’s abusive, degrading or morally questionable. She also won’t put up with bad behavior from a man. Integrity and trust are important to her, and she lets him know that.

Irresistible Attitude #3: “I wouldn’t keep a man from doing the healthy, personal things he enjoys, or let my own fears or limitations stand in his way.”
She knows that her man is an adult who has the right and freedom to make his own choices – and the more she tries to restrict him, the less he’s going to feel open, free and empowered when he’s with her. She respects his need to pursue his goals and dreams.
When you trigger intense attraction in a man by embodying these irresistible attitudes, he is much less likely to “get weird” on you when you let him know how you’re feeling, because he’ll be craving a meaningful and deep connection with you as well.

If your “love strategy” hasn’t been successful lately, then it’s time to stop feeling bad about yourself and your love life and start creating the feelings in a man that will lay the foundation for the relationship you really want.
Do you know what tugs at a man’s heart EMOTIONALLY, and creates the emotional attraction that’s much deeper and stronger than just physical attraction?
If you’re interested in my very best free tips on what turns men on and off to a relationship you can find out more on my website, CatchHimAndKeepHim.com

I’ll talk to you again soon, and best of luck in love and love.

5 Things to Rock Your Love Life (Today)

As summer comes to an end, it’s all too easy to get the blues about the possibility of another year passing without meeting your perfect partner. But before you fall into a serious funk, relax.
Whether you’re ready to rock your love life right now or simply want to climb out of your current non-dating rut, the following tips will help you celebrate being single as well as increase your chances of future relationship success.

Tip #1: Learn to Enjoy Being Single
In case you’ve forgotten, there’s something incredibly freeing and fabulous about being single. However, if you’re the only one in your social circle who’s not married with children, it may feel more like a life sentence that you’re forced to endure. When in doubt, remember this: Being single is nothing more than a state of mind. And by celebrating your single status, you reenergize how you feel about yourself and your life. By being footloose and child free, you have the opportunity to enjoy staying out till all hours, sleeping in as late as you like on weekends, and coming and going as you please.

Those are reasons definitely worth celebrating! In fact, give yourself permission in the near future to celebrate your single status in a big way. Whether it’s going out dancing with your gal pals, taking an impromptu road trip without having to clear it with the family, or using your single salary to splurge on something decadent for yourself, how you celebrate is up to you. The point is to acknowledge the beauty of being single and to celebrate it with a gift for yourself.

Tip #2: Flirt Daily
Now that you know the benefits of being single, it’s time to rediscover the joys of flirting. In the new millennium, you don’t have to be on a date to flirt. In fact, you can – and should! – flirt on a daily basis. How? By mastering the art of making eye contact, sharing a flirty smile, and learning to strike up a casual conversation with cute strangers in your everyday life.

Not sure where to meet your flirting match? Look around! You can flirt with strangers anywhere at any time – while in line at the grocery store, in the elevator at work, picking up your coffee or dry cleaning, or even sitting in traffic. You owe it to your fab single self to flirt daily!
The point of this exercise is to 1) remind you of just how many members of the opposite sex are in your everyday life (you just may need to take those blinders off) and 2) give you plenty of practice talking to potential partners so that when someone really interesting comes along, you’re not tongue-tied – in fact, you’re a flirting master!

Tip #3: Get Out of Your Own Way
Sometimes, without even knowing it, the greatest obstacle in your journey toward meeting somebody really amazing may just be you. If you suffer from low self-esteem, hold on to limiting beliefs about what’s possible for you in love and relationships, and/or are carrying massive amounts of emotional baggage with you wherever you go, you just might be getting in the way of your own relationship success.
So how do you step aside and welcome success with open arms? Simple. You take a step back, assess what’s working for you (as well as what isn’t), and make the conscious choice to break free of any limiting, negative, or self-sabotaging dating behaviors and/or beliefs. This may include letting go of your fears of getting hurt again, taking a risk and opening up to someone new, and possibly changing your dating vocabulary from “Being single sucks” to “Being single rocks, is fun, regularly brings new and interesting people into my life,” etc. By getting out of your own way, you engage the law of attraction and invite possibility back into your life. Love that!

Tip #4: Regularly Put Yourself in Target-Rich Environments
Chances are good that Prince Charming isn’t going to magically show up unannounced on your doorstep one day. And if he did, you’d most likely label him a stalker and lock the door. So how exactly do you plan on meeting potential partners? Start by getting out of the house and out of your routine, and putting yourself in target-rich environments on a regular basis.

Your ideal target-rich environments will depend on your particular likes and dislikes. For example, if you dig the outdoors, join a singles group through the Sierra Club or other outdoor organization. If you enjoy music and/or culture, regularly attend art openings, museum benefits, and live music functions. By regularly putting yourself in target-rich environments – and even practicing a little flirting while you’re there – you greatly increase your chances of meeting someone you could really connect with. And if you don’t? Well, you’re still enjoying your fab single life by doing what you love to do anyway.

Tip #5: Turn Down “The Tick”
Be honest. Is the tick, tick, tick of your biological clock keeping you from enjoying your life as a savvy single? If so, you don’t need to make a mad dash down the aisle, but you may need to turn down “the tick.” By taking the pressure off your timeline for getting married and having children, you’re better able to enjoy being single. You’re also better equipped to see the men you date for who they really are, not for who they could possibly be as a father for the baby you’re already behind schedule to have.
The truth is, there’s no one timeline for marriage and babies anymore. Your timeline is uniquely your own. And if what you really want is to get married and have children, you first need to become the healthiest and happiest single person possible. In turn, you’ll start attracting like-minded healthy and happy partners. Besides, there will be plenty of time for matrimony and children later. However, if statistics scare you, let’s get real. If by the time you settle down it’s biologically impossible to have a baby of your own, you can always adopt or find a surrogate. The options are limitless. So turn down that tick and start enjoying life again!

There you have it: five tips for learning to love your fabulous single life as well as increase your chances of future relationship success. May you learn it, love it, live it.

Three Surprisingly Common Marriage Mistakes that Lead to Divorce

You’ve heard of cheating and fighting leading to divorce, but what about selflessness and lack of hugs? Behaviors such as cheating and fighting are the manifestation of deeper behavior patterns that undermine marriages. These three common marriage mistakes are at the root of what make many unions fizzle:

1. Altruism
Altruism, also known as selflessness or even self-sacrifice, sounds like a good thing in a relationship. It’s comforting to know that your partner would do anything to protect or help you, and you would do the same for him or her. Unfortunately, outside of the occasional emergency situation, altruism is a damaging habit. The happiest and most enjoyable marriages are ones in which both spouses feel that their concerns, desires and needs are met and valued. You and your spouse should feel that each of you has power and significance in the marriage. Altruistic behavior denies that importance. Over time, constantly suppressing your desires and needs for those of your spouse can lead to a disorder of power in the relationship, which, even if voluntary, can lead to depression and resentment.

Avoid this marriage pitfall by speaking up. Make your preferences and needs known to your spouse, even if you think the matter isn’t a big deal. Want Italian for dinner when your spouse wants Chinese? Say so! Just remember to speak your mind pleasantly and tactfully. And make sure you have the marriage skills to turn the occasional difference of opinion into a discussion rather than an argument.

2. Negativity
Negativity is the number one contributor to an unpleasant environment that can eventually erode the whole marriage. Negativity includes small gestures such eye rolling, out of place humor, sarcasm, and signs of frustration, as well as more obvious negative comments such as disparaging your spouse’s opinion, mocking, and insults. Every piece of negativity, big or small, can have an enormous impact on the climate in your marriage. Negativity breaks down the trust you have for your partner to be a loving and supportive haven from the world’s challenges. It makes you not want to be around each other. It can also instantly trigger arguments.

Monitor yourself carefully for negative body language and speech patterns and try to eliminate them completely. This doesn’t mean that you can’t get frustrated or upset at something your spouse has done. Simply tell him or her about your feelings using, calm, neutral language. Focus on yourself by using the phrase “When you … I feel …” instead of inviting defensiveness with you-statements. Also explain to your spouse how much it hurts when he or she uses negativity towards you.

3. Loss of non-sexual intimacy
Since physical intimacy depends on feeling comfortable with your partner, physical affection is one of the first victims of rampant negativity in a marriage. This is unfortunate because physical affection is the glue of marriages. Loss of physical intimacy can precipitate the loss of emotional intimacy, increasing distance in a relationship, sexual affairs, and finally divorce.

Physical affection means much more than sex. It means, cuddling, hugs, kissing, holding hands, a gentle squeeze on the shoulder or stroking an arm. New couples display this non-sexual intimacy constantly and it signals that they are attracted to and interested in each other. In addition, researchers have found that non-sexual intimacy is a significant contributor to long-term marital happiness. This warm, positive, skin-to-skin contact releases the same bonding chemicals in your brain as sex. While a marriage may be fine without sexual intercourse (as long as both spouses are on the same page about it), it will likely struggle mightily without any physical intimacy.

The homework to remedy this marriage problem is easy: set the goal of touching your spouse in a positive way ten times daily. Then increase that frequency! Adding non-sexual intimacy to your marriage is a more low-pressure goal than initiating sex. And since regular physical contact can make you both more receptive to sensual experiences, it can by a good way for a sexless marriage to ease into more frequent sex.
Have you noticed any of these common marriage mistakes in your marriage or new relationship? Not to worry. In fact, noticing them is the first step in fixing them and building the foundation for a strong, happy future together. It is never to late to start your happily-ever-after.

Three Ways to Bounce Back from Rejection

Anyone who enters the dating world is bound to encounter rejection. Whether your online messages to dating prospects go unanswered, you have a great first date but never hear from the person again, or you get dumped after things were just starting to heat up, all rejections have one thing in common — they really hurt. What makes rejection even more painful is that any effort to understand what went wrong can easily lead to bouts of self-criticism and self-blaming.
Did they reject you because you’re not tall enough, smart enough, attractive enough, rich enough, educated enough, or hip enough? What was the reason? Then you start to second guess everything you did and said. You berate yourself for disclosing your fascination with sea urchins, for ordering noodle soup and making slurping noises, or for joking about how you got the scar on your middle finger.
All this self-punishment makes you feel utterly miserable and you wonder when you became so weak, needy, or desperate. You must be, otherwise you wouldn’t hurt so much, right? Wrong.
Here’s why:
Recent studies placed people in fMRI machines (scanners that look at what happens in our brains when we’re thinking or doing something) and asked them to think about a painful and recent rejection. What they found was shocking. The same pathways in the brain became activated when people experienced a rejection as when they experienced physical pain. In fact, the overlap was so substantial, that when researchers gave people the pain reliever Acetaminophen (Tylenol) and put them through a rejection experience, they reported feeling significantly less emotional pain than those who did not receive Tylenol. That’s why rejections hurt as much as they do, not because there’s anything wrong with you — because you’re simply wired that way.
Fortunately, there are three steps you can take to ease the emotional pain you’re bound to feel after being rejected:
Argue with self-criticism. Although it’s natural to feel self-critical after a rejection, there is little point in ‘going there’. Most rejections have much more to do with compatibility and chemistry than they do with any specific shortcoming or flaw. Even if you seemed to click with the other person, the reality is, you just didn’t click enough. And if they felt insufficient compatibility, you would likely have felt it yourself at some point as well. Therefore, there is utterly no point in trying to blame yourself or any perceived flaw you might have. Unless the person looked you in the eye and said something specific such as, “Sorry, I’m just not into dimples,” chalk it up to insufficient chemistry. And if they give you the, “It’s not you, it’s me,” speech — believe them. In fact, even if they don’t, assume it’s them nonetheless. It probably is anyway, and your self-esteem will thank you for it.
Revive your self-esteem. Now that you’ve given your self-worth a breather from self-criticism, you need to help it revive. The best way to revive your self-esteem is to remind yourself of qualities and attributes you possess that you believe are valuable. Specifically, make a list of qualities you have that are important in dating and relationships such as being loyal, caring, supportive, considerate, a good listener, a great cook, a good kisser, and as many others as you can think of. Choose one of these attributes and write a brief essay (a paragraph or two) about why the quality matters to you, why a future partner would find it valuable, how you’ve expressed it in past dating or relationship scenarios, or how you would do so in the future. Write one or two essays a day until you feel better about yourself. Keep in mind that for the exercise to have the desired impact on your self-esteem — you must write it out. So don’t skip that crucial step and do it in your head — write.
Restore a sense of belonging. One of the theories about why rejection causes such sharp emotional pain is that in our distant past, being ostracized from our tribe was pretty much a death sentence. Consequently, we developed a mechanism to warn us of when we were at danger for being ousted from our tribe and as a result, we became exquisitely sensitive to rejection. The legacy of those tribal days is that even minor rejections can destabilize our ‘need to belong’, to feel as though we’re accepted and loved by our core group. To address this often unconscious pang, reach out to good friends or family members and try to see them in person. Doing so will remind you that you are a valued and respected member of your ‘tribe’.

Rejections are an extremely common emotional ‘injury’ and they always hurt. But taking these three steps will help you heal the emotional wounds they create, recover your confidence and bounce back quicker and stronger than you would have otherwise.
Guy Winch is a psychologist, speaker and author of Emotional First Aid: Practical Strategies for Treating Failure, Rejection, Guilt and Other Everyday Psychological Injuries (Hudson Street Press, 2013). Follow him on Twitter and check out his blog!

Eight Valuable Love Lessons For Us All

It would be nice if life’s most important lessons came wrapped in a neat package and delivered to your front door. Unfortunately, many of the most essential lessons about life and love come the hard way—through disappointments, setbacks, and failures.
Beginning in 1986, Dr. Terri Orbuch tracked the lives of 373 married couples and found that, more than two decades later, nearly half had split up. The lessons for those broken-up couples may serve as helpful advice for singles who want a relationship that won’t end in divorce. Here are eight things those people wished they’d learned sooner:

Deal with problems -- don’t avoid them.

Many of the split-up individuals admitted they had not addressed disagreements in a health way, if at all. Conflict can be positive for a relationship, as long as differences are handled in a constructive way. Fighting or arguing with your partner means you are tackling important issues rather than looking the other way.

Learn the art of apology.

Sometimes, managing conflict and defusing tension involves acknowledging you were wrong -- and saying you’re sorry. We hurt others by lying, procrastinating, breaking promises, and giving put-downs. The best response when you blow it is to own up to the mistake and apologize.

Don’t weigh down your relationship with emotional baggage.

If you have unresolved painful feelings from your past, you’re likely carrying those around with you and into your closest relationships. Emotional baggage prevents you from being fully present in your current relationship.

Do away with jealousy.

This is one of the most powerful and potentially damaging emotions, often bringing out the worst in someone, especially in the context of romantic relationships. The divorced people Orbuch studied readily affirmed that jealousy is toxic.

Recognize that money matters really do matter.

Nearly half of the divorced individuals said they fought over money in their past relationship. One study showed that money-related conflicts are more intense, last longer, and have greater implications to a relationship than other types of conflict.

Open up.

Forty-one percent of divorced individuals say they wish they had communicated better. According to Orbuch, “Many people regretted not asking more questions and not revealing more about themselves.” When divorced men and women from her study find a new partner, Orbuch asks what they’ve done differently in their new relationship. The number one response is always, “I changed how I communicate with my new partner!”

Shake it up, baby.

Many relationships become stale and stagnant if fresh energy isn’t infused into them. Look for new endeavors and adventures. Break out of the rut. Not surprisingly, numerous studies show that couples who explore new activities and play together were happier and more likely to stay together than couples who settle for a routine existence.

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Top 15 Most Popular Dating Websites September 2013

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